Dear Journal...

Gee wiz, it feels like such a long time since I wrote down another entry. But looking back on things, I don't think I should be complaining. Life happens and I have found ways to make journalling overall less stressful, espically not writing every single darn day anymore. But I feel like these entries might be even more delayed because there are some things I wanna put on my writing page that I've had in my noggin for goodness knows how long! Although, I could always let out some of those ideas on my private doccument and insert them onto my writing page as planned. Now that sounds like a brilliant and productive idea! Maybe that will make me write dump like it's 2021 again, haha.

But anyway, I’m in the process of getting a new phone. I say that because I have to delete a lot of photos and videos from my old phone so I will be able to have enough space to transfer stuff to my new phone. And I believe the main culprit of all of this storage space is all of the videos I recorded back in 2019~2020 where I would stay up late as I first watched all of My Life as a Teenage Robot for the first time.

It's been incredibly daunting task to see which clips stay and which ones go because the amount of footage I recorded was a LOT! As such, it was difficult to dwindle stuff down to a reasonable amount. But aside from Marie Kondo's life-changing method (literally!) about things sparking joy, I realized that most of the stuff on here are things I can revisit in better ways, like rewatching the episodes on my iPad or other websites that use, uh…methods (yar har, if you know what I'm talkin' about). Art inspiration? Awesome fight scenes? It's better to look at those in the highest quality!!

But looking at everything again after so many years really showed how extremely confused I was back then. I mean, I am still confused in many areas, but it’s not as extreme anymore. I guess I’ve always been discovering what it means to live on this earth, huh?

I have always struggled being human, even if I believed that I was one for the longest time. I’ve always had this special connection towards the grand concept of character design and fictional characters in general, but didn’t really understand why, let alone how big the scope truly was. I just chalked it up to them being my “friends”, my Posse, even; while it didn’t seem too farfetched and I wasn’t exactly that far off, I still had fantasies of becoming them, of being them. And a lot of my favorite characters ended up becoming kintypes once the Awakening actually happened, like with the Lake Guardians from Pokemon (technically I’m Dawn but also a reincarnation of the Lake Trio but I digress), Vibri from Vib Ribbon or EVE from WALL-E to name a handful of examples. (Not to mention all of the other characters I’m kinsidering like Zero from the Mega Man X franchise or Susie from the Kirby series.)

And Jenny Wakeman was simply no expectation. In fact, she might have been one of my earliest kintypes that I was sort of aware of alongside the Three Mage Sisters from Kirby! I would literally agree with almost everything she said, thinking I was some kind of supportive robot ally because of that. I would say “Ouch!” whenever she got hurt as if we were sharing pain. Seeing her upset or in control of a villain put me in distress. For heaven’s sake, the reason why I got into the show in the first place was because I had an extremely vivid dream that I still remember as if it actually happened! Like, a prophesy that came to me while I was asleep, showing footage related to a YouTube video I watched about that episode where Jenny spoke Japanese for almost the entire episode?! It doesn’t get more spiritual than that!!

So, not only am I looking at memories of a bygone era, I am looking at my very own kin memories. And deleting them on an electronic device feels like I am erasing the memory from a friend’s brain, which is heartbreaking. Sure, I know I have backed up my phone several times. And sure, I was able to understand my canon as Jenny a bit more because of this journey (like, I might have ended up with Sheldon. Emphasis on might), but that doesn’t escape the fact that I am pretty much removing things from the old to make things better for the new. It…feels weird, but it’s something I gotta do in order to have a new and improved phone instead of one that could shut down on me if it isn’t in a chagrining cable and has a phone case that basically shows a popular anime that I see as an ex-boyfriend. No, I will not elaborate.

As for my Ghibli marathon, I watched From Up on Poppy Hill! I know that I watched it not long after How Do You Live? - the reason why watching every single Ghibli film is my ultimate goal this year - and it was overall the last piece of media I saw in 2023, so I am not really sure if it counted for the marathon even though it was started this year, but whatever.

And spoilers for my future Ghibli ranking, but I ADORE this film so much!! If Poppy Hill has a million fans, I’m one of them. If Poppy Hill has ten or five fans, I’m one of them. If Poppy Hill has one fan, I am that one. If Poppy Hill has no fans, I am in the stars. If the world is against Poppy Hill due to its mentions of incest, I am against the world. This movie is very special to me and made me feel touched in ways other Ghibli films haven’t. But, of course, I’ll discuss all of that and then some when I get to my ranking.

Also, Umi Matsuzaki - one of the protagonists of the story - is definitely a kintype! It’s honestly kind of funny that I had that revelation about a couple of months ago, considering that I thought that she was a heartype when I first watched the film. Oh, I was so close yet so far! But it did bring up some interesting feelings that I’m not sure I have felt before…Maybe I have but it wasn’t as strong as before…Honestly, I don’t even know if other nonhumans have experiences like this or not!

So, for those who don’t know, From Up on Poppy Hill takes place in 1963 Yokohama, one year before the 1964 Tokyo Olympics. And over these past few days, it felt like I was mentally from the 1960s and I time traveled to the current year. My surroundings looked so modern, out of place, foreign even. It’s kind of disorienting knowing how to work with modern technology and the familiarity of your house but also seeing it like you’re exploring for the very first time again. Kind of wild, if you ask me…

Hmm…I remember there were instances where I thought I was Umi Sonoda from Love Live! and to this day I’m still questioning it. Were these feelings misidentified or do they intercept this new kintype that I have due to a handful of similarities they have? Then again, were the kin feelings I had with Muse members like Umi and Nozomi actually misidentified Aqours feelings this whole time? After all, I know I have been wrong about certain things several times over. I could go on, but honestly, that whole questioning thing is its own can of worms that I don’t want to open yet.

Still, I am extremely super happy I rewatched From Up on Poppy Hill!! And since I have the Steelbook DVD, I could watch the entire film without any day breaks if I wanted to! Heck, this will give me an opportunity to look at the subbed version as well and see all of the differences there! I know Sarah Bolger did a fantastic job portraying me and I believe that’s exactly what I sounded like in my timeline, but who knows? Maybe the original Japanese audio will surprise me in some way.

It’s my birthday!! And it’s on a Wednesday, the same day of the week in which I was born. That won’t happen again until 2030, which is so wild to me! Time is such a silly little thing.

I got a lot of amazing presents this year, my favorites being an Aqours plush set and zines made eggoatt (one of my favorite online artists), which I will show right here!

My mother and I also tried to go to a Japanese Garden that's downtown, but it was closed thanks to Beryl. So, the two of us went on a really cool train ride instead, which was a nice compromise. I spend the rest of the afternoon resting and recharging before calling my dad. Like, I would have done it earlier, but my anxiety got the better of me. I never really liked talking on the phone...

And for dinner, I got pizza from Russo's (since they gave me some birthday money to spend). Their margarita pizza is so freaking delectable!! I also tried two flavors of ice cream cake, which tasted alright.

A lot of great and exciting things really happened today! It was no wonder why I felt extremely tuckered out in the end. That’s the sign of a very good birthday!

Happy July! My birth month, wahoo!! It’s honestly kinda hard to believe my birthday is gonna be in a week, aah…

Now I originally was gonna talk about Artfight, but I’m gonna put all of that in a separate entry since it’s rather lengthy. I do have a life outside of creating art and being on the web, after all.

So, this kitty cat (me) was affected by Tropical Storm Beryl, a power outage more specifically, and boy did that MAKE HER SO STRESSED!! Even though it lasted for two days, it felt like an eternity. It made me realize how truly helpless I am without electricity and the internet due how big of a role it plays in my day-to-day life. I don’t get to work on any of my fun little projects, I can’t talk to my friends or text my father who lives in a different state. Heck, I can’t even draw on my iPad without worrying about the battery draining and having no way to charge it!

And without those types of things to keep me busy, I am only left with my anxiety filled brain to keep me company…All of the burdens I carry and worrying how the world will go on without me. It’s…kind of isolating, honestly. And it doesn’t really help how restricted life can get with a lack of refrigerated food, most shops were closed and certain areas actually had lights. But at least I’ve been seeing people talk to each other more often!

It’s no wonder why I ended up crying tears of relief when the power finally came back on because it felt like I didn’t want to feel like I was suffering anymore. My mother and I prayed multiple times to the Universe for us to have our power back as soon as possible, so the fact that it did return later on the same day was something of a miracle! I went to my favorite ramen place to celebrate and got some noodles in tomato broth, which was a lot saliter than I remember it being. I don't really know if only having nothing expect the noodles and broth in ramen would be considered a sin, but hey that's just the autism food palette for ya; I hate it when foods touch each other, so I often have certain foods in seperate bowls.

Now that I think about it, I’m not entirely sure whether or not the world wide web in its modern state is a benefit or a detriment when it comes to social interaction. Like, it helps you make new friends that are miles away from you but so many people would rather look at their phones instead of working their jobs or talk to one another at the dinner table, y’know? If we didn’t scroll through Tiktok 24/7 everywhere we went, we would have better and more healing silver cords, but I’m just rambling at this point.

Still, it feels oh so good to be back!!

But an extremely great thing came out of this whole ordeal; I was finally able to set up my brand new desk!!

It’s one of those desks that elevates so you can stand up while still being productive! I really wanted to get one ever I heard Athena P talk about in one of her videos. After all, I do spend a great chunk of my days on the ‘puter, so it would make perfect sense to make a change that would benefit me in the long run, right? And my father - being the rich man that he is - was generous enough to buy it for me!

I must say, I am already loving this table to bits already!! The elevation is so fun and smooth, plus I know for darn certain that it will help me regarding my executive dysfunction since I can still do tasks even when I want to move around! And it’s made of bamboo too, which I know seems rather predictable of me, but at least it's better than regular ol’ wood! Sure, it is certainly not as big as my old one, but a reduced space is a sacrifice I am willing to make!

Speaking of tasks, there is something that I forgot to talk about in the previous entry! One of the reasons why I feel incredibly grateful making this website is that I get to write about stuff and be able to share them instead of letting them rot in doccuments for goodness knows how long! I know this is something that will be repreated once I spiff up my writings page, but any topic that I feel like would be way too long will not be on this blog. There are just a plethora of writing ideas that have been on the back-burner for quite a long time, for the lack of a better word. It makes me so excited that I actually have the reason and motivation to actually write down things I am very passonite about, like artciles and stories and maybe even poetry! Ooooh, just typing all of this down is getting me excited!! So what if I don't really know where I am going with this website sometimes?! I just gotta enjoy the journey!

Wow~! My very first blog entry! I honestly don’t know why it took me so long to actually get that off of the ground. Life was simply getting in the way. Then again, you could say the same thing about this website entirely. Guess it’s a habit of mine to delay things until the stars align, given how many pieces of media I desperately want to consume but don’t have the motivation to actually start them, let alone return to the ones I left behind.

It also doesn’t really help that I had to redo the presentation of this blog multiple times because certain themes didn't have the things I wanted (having multiple paragraphs and the ability to actually make multiple entries at once is a necessity, don't you know)! Luckily, I found another theme made by the same person (the credit link is found at the bottom right corner) that is absolutely perfect!! But I always knew that I just had to theme it around my Monika kintype because it's just too dang fitting not to (after all, this is just as healing as expressing yourself through poetry, right?)!! Although, I have the feeling that may or may not change if I find out about any...revelations, some of which I know I will talk about in a later entry. We'll see what happens (much like everything else on this site), but for now, I am very happy with this.

As freeing as this website is to me, I still don't know what else to do aside from the basics, even if looking at others sites would give me inspiration. Should I make shrines about my favorite things like everyone else? Or write love letters dedicated to the fictional woman that awakened my queerness to begin with? I know I really want to talk about my non-humanity - almost to the point of it being a need - and possibly give it is own page, but should I really go all in with pictures and memories and all that jazz? AAUGH!! The possibilities are endless, I tell ya!

And it's very much like any other creative ambition I've considered under the sun aside from drawing!! I feel like making and presenting zines would be a rather fun way to make some money and I have thought about making twines on itch.io every once in a while. I even had some ideas regarding a Smash Bros. Machinima, but that also makes me think about how copyright trigger-happy Nintendo and YouTube are, so it's no wonder why I only thought about that once or twice. Heck, I'm working on my very own story world but I don't really want to put it on this website...Toyhouse is literally the most perfect way to get said-story out into the world (as well as archive all of the characters I make)!! Unfourtanely, you have to get an invite for it and there's no way my anxious tail is gonna ask for some special code to a bunch of strangers!! Oh, the woes of having such a soul that's so passionate about art...

But anyway, it's honestly a little bit strange actually having a journal outside of a Google Document. I mean, I feel like I always have been talking to someone else as I write down each entry, so it kind of feels like I've been preparing for something like this in a way? Okay, okay, let me explain...

I started journalling thanks to having a traditional one back in 2020, around the time when I was starting to attend college. Buuuut, that only lasted from late August to mid-September because I kept forgetting to write down entries. Not to mention that my handwriting is wonky and kind of big which makes it hard for me to write more than, like, 10 sentences at least. So, I pretty much stopped working on that right then and there. But then 2021 rolled around, that was basically where I made my Schrodinger’s Journal; it wasn't a journal, but I used to it to vent out frustrations or talk about big positive things that happened, especially since this was around the time of my nonhuman awakening as well as going through an extremely rough time regarding an ex-friend of mine. But even then, I only wrote thoughts that were incredibly festering, for better or for worse. And finally, I started to get back into the habit of journaling in 2022 and have been doing it ever since. I used to write every day but that led to making list formats on days when I was low on energy. Because of that and the stresses of having to write constantly, I decided to only journal every so often starting around the middle of last year (2023).

But even so, I feel like there will be a lot of diffrences between this blog and my afformetioned doccument since the latter has and always will be private. As much as I love to do everything I want forever, even weridos like me have a line that you just don't cross!!

Aaaaaand that's basically all I have to say in terms of introducing this page. There might be a few things I missed here and there, but I am confident that will be addressed in the future. As for today, it was relatively uneventful, those types of days where I spend a good chunk of time on my browsing and listening to music on my computer. Even my trip to the gym was short because I completely forgot to take my meds in the afternoon (as usual...My mom suggested setting reminder alarms for both the afternoon and night) and it was a couple of hours since I last ate.

BUT one of my most favorite YouTubers, Athena P, posted a video talking about Tangled the Series! I completely forgot that it was gonna be uploaded this week! Honestly, I thought it was gonna be delayed to July or something! And I must admit that this is honestly one of, if not her best episode in the LORE series so far (in case you're wondering some of my other favorites are the ones about Oobi, Team Umizoomi and the Octonauts)!! Tangled is one of my favorite Disney movies, so hearing how layered its world really is and the depths this show goes through was incredibly interesting!

Plus, this video has what’s possibly the best makeup on her channel! It is so gorgeous and compliments the ever-changing wigs super well! Oh yeah, did I mention that Athena had wigs to symbolize how Rapunzel’s hair changes throughout the show (and to some small extent the movie)? It is so peak, I honestly never seen anything done like that (in the LORE series anyway). It's honestly my favorite part of the video because it adds so much variety and life! Well, that and the many mentions of the sun and moon; Athena defending the moon due to the series portraying it as evil honestly gave me so much euphoria because it feels like she was defending my home land!! The moon can control tides, it represents sexuality, it’s a lesbian, it…explains a whole lot about myself now that I think about it, ahaha. Not to mention the sun and moon stones working together in the finale was so cool and very yuri-coded!! I am honestly kind of surprised that Rapunzel and Flynn didn’t end up in a poly relationship with Cassandra, but whatever.

Gosh, I am really looking forward to what Athena's contents are gonna be next month!!

Also, a big thing I wanted to mention is that my ultimate goal for 2024 is to watch every single Studio Ghibli film thanks to watching How Do You Live? last year! As of the time I am writing this, I think I have completed six films - bordering on seven since I am making my way through Ocean Waves right now, so the path will be rather tough but I feel like I'm making some great progress! Once this goal is completed, my ranking on all of them will also be complete, so expect to see that in the future!

I would love to go on and on and on, but I've already covered a lot of ground already, so I'm gonna save what else I want to say about this journal (among other things) in the next entry! Oooh, I am so happy and grateful I am making this!! Until next time, bye bye~